I'm a little antsy Tonight, forgive me.
Yeah.
You know, i get this way, Well, i guess i am this way.
Oh, yeah.
Know who i bumped Into today ?
It was a guy who Used to terrorize me
In grade school, Tommy calagna.
Tommy ?
And every day, This kid, for five years,
Would come up to me
And shake me down For my lunch money.
Bastard.
And then finally, one day, I come to school,
And i'm trembling, Because i see him coming,
And there's no change In my pockets.
So he comes up To me, and he says,
"Katz, where's your Lunch money ?"
And i said, "I don't have any money,"
And he said, "okay."
Wow.
What do you think Of this, dad ?
Is that clear to you ?
Take, like, ten steps back, Though, and see if you can--
Ow !
"Piccups celebrity Limo service."
It looks like A semi-professional sign.
Well, i made it myself.
Do you like the letters
In all the different Colors like that ?
Yeah, leaps out of you, Sort of captures your eye.
Cut 'em out from Different magazines,
So it looks like A ransom note.
That was my concept.
Is it a project You're doing for--
Dad, you don't understand-- I'm starting a business.
I'm working Through the initial--
Oh, i see, and what Kind of business, ben ?
It's a celebrity Limo pickup service.
It's called "piccups," Like "hiccups."
You need a catchy Title for a business.
That's the most Important thing.
And do you think There's a market for it ?
Oh, yeah, Celebrities are coming
In and out of town All the time,
And they need rides,
And that's What i'm gonna do.
I'm gonna pick them Up at the airport,
Bring them to their Press junkets,
Their hotels, Their restaurants.
The list goes on.
I think i'm on to Something, though, really.
I do, too.
You don't seem excited.
No, this is me excited-- Don't you remember ?
But, ben, unless I'm missing something,
You're gonna need a car, Am i right ?
Got one, rented one.
It's a monte carlo, Like the count.
That's "cristo."
Like the oil ?
No, that's crisco.
Like the count ?
No, that's "carlo."
Like the car.
Well, just very Realistically,
You're gonna have Expenses, like the car.
How are you gonna Pay for the car ?
Credit card.
Whose credit card ?
Your credit card.
Didn't we have A talk about that ?
I gave you my credit card In case of an emergency,
And this does not Constitute an emergency.
Well, dad, i mean, Things happened so fast.
The business needed to Be set up so quickly,
And the idea Came so quickly.
Well, i understand that, I understand that,
But i wish you Could reassure me
That if you're gonna Use my card
In a situation That's not an emergency,
You'll clear it With me first.
I'm gonna use It again today.
Dad, i gotta say, I'd love to stay and chat,
But i've gotta pick up The car right now.
Wait, hold on one second.
Let me play the devil's Advocate for one minute.
No, dad, don't, please ?
I don't like the devil's Advocate thing.
You're too good at it.
What about duck, Duck, goose ?
Okay, you got a deal.
It's just so hard To know, you know ?
It's like, i did this Thing in my act about
Something about vietnamese People eating dogs, right ?
And this woman comes up To me, and she goes,
"You know, that was Really unnecessary.
"You know, You're pretty funny.
You don't have to Resort to that."
And i go, "what ?"
And she goes, "Well, you know,
"Making fun of Other people's cultures.
"That's pretty low,
"And after all, What is the difference
"Between one culture, Where they eat a dog,
Or here in the united states, Where we eat a cow ?"
So i go, "I don't know, lady,
"I guess the difference is that Eating a cow is correct,
And eating a dog is Completely screwed up."
Based on my rule,
Which is that any animal That can catch a frisbee
Is not food.
That's how i divide The animal kingdom.
Throw 'em a frisbee.
If it bounces off His head, he's lunch.
You know, i know it's Not scientific,
But it works with most of Your better-tasting animals.
If you throw a frisbee To a turkey,
Boom, right over his head.
"Sorry, i don't play sports, I'm a turkey."
Well, what are You doing here ?
"Well, you know, I don't know.
"I have a lot of white Meat and drumsticks-- hint !
"If you wanted to kill me,
"I'm not really good at Flying away-- hint ! Hint !
I know only one word, Gobble-- big hint."
I went to the red lobster.
They just have That look, you know,
That "any word from The governor?" Look,
But i eat 'em anyway, You know ?
Because all you gotta do Is have four or five drinks,
And then you don't Really care.
Once you add some drinks, You're just sitting there
With that emperor- Of-rome attitude now.
The waiter's going, "Can we help you ?"
And you're like, "Yes, bring me the brown one.
"He amuses me.
The impertinent one on The right, seize him !"
"Would you like A beverage ?"
"Wine, bring me wine !"
It's just odd-- it's like, Why are they the only animals
That have to put Up with that ?
You go to a steak House, no cow tank.
They don't bring Your cow over.
"What do you Think of this one, buddy ?
"With a baked potato,
"I don't think You'll go wrong with him !
"Say the word, I got a gun.
"I'll blast the crap Out of him right here.
"He's-- hey, put Your head up.
"What the hell's Wrong with you ?
There's a customer here !"
There's the cow-- "why don't You have the lobster ?"
He's in the tank,
"Why don't you mind Your own business ?"
This is awfully Nice back here, ben.
It's roomy, huh ?
That's why I rented it.
It's heaven.
You got your seatbelt On back there ?
Yep.
Safety first With "piccups."
Nope, i'm strapped in.
Hey, dad, i see you.
How you doing ? Just making Sure the thing works.
All set back there ?
I'm fine.
Still see you.
Hey, ben, please watch Where you're going.
I'm sorry-- i'm not Looking at the road.
I should really do that.
Okay, you can let me Off right here, ben,
Because my office is Right around the corner.
And i appreciate the lift.
It's no problem-- i'm happy To give you a ride.
I mean, one, it's my job, And two, it's on my way anyway.
To ?
To your office.
Where ?
Where i'm going.
To ?
To do my day's work.
Which is ?
I can't keep talking Like this, dad.
It's like you Had a stroke.
So, laura.
Yeah ?
Here's the deal-- ben--
Do you want me To explain ?
No, that's okay, I can handle it.
You sure ? Yeah.
Ben has started A little company,
And he needs a place to Take calls for the day.
Okay, so you're gonna take Him out looking for a place ?
No, he's actually gonna Share the office with you,
Just for the day,
And then we'll find some Other kind of arrangement.
No, really ?
I'm gonna stay Out of your way.
So i know this is not The ideal arrangement.
Honestly, it wasn't Ideal to begin with.
Dad, where do you Want me to set up ?
Why don't you set up As far away from laura
As you possibly can get and Still be in the office ?
Okay, so why don't I just move the coat rack
And do it right Over there ?
That's okay with me.
Is that gonna be okay With you, laura ? Lo-lo ?
Don't call me that.
What ?
Whatever you just said, Just don't say it again.
Lo-lo.
I said not to Say it again.
That's what i call you in The office-- hey, lo-lo.
I need to know that i can go Into my office and work
And know that The two of you
Will behave like Young adults.
This is not gonna be Disruptive at all.
I'm here to do my business-- I assume you are, too, laura.
And ben, what's Important, most of all,
Is that my business Runs smoothly,
Without any Interference from you.
Dad, that's your problem.
I mean, you gotta Run your own ship.
It could become your problem Very quickly, young man,
If you don't--
I don't like that Tone of voice with me.
I'm sorry.
Don't get snippy, because This is my first day,
And i got enough Nervous tension.
Okay, look, i want This to go well for you.
I want this to Work for you.
I just don't want you to Make laura's job impossible.
Dad, we're gonna be fine, Everything's gonna work out.
Laura and i are gonna Be like office mates.
We're gonna be office pals, Gonna be office buddies.
Isn't that right, Laura ? Buddy up ?
Okay, kids.
See you at The coffee counter.
Wash your mug, 'cause Germs, germs, germs !
You seem a little Distracted today, winona.
No, i'm fine-- It's just, they're--
Yeah ?
You know, there's nothing You can't say to me.
You understand that.
I know, i just--
Yeah ?
If you-- do you Have any kleenex ?
Sure, help yourself.
Maybe you should--
No, i'm good, thanks.
Oh, right, right, oh.
Has that been there
The whole time We've been talking ?
Because this-- I apologize.
See ? That's why I'm still hungry.
I know very little About your parents.
How did they meet ?
My mom and dad ?
My mom was wearing A miniskirt,
And my dad followed Her to a softball game,
And they met.
Where is she from ?
She's from minnesota.
"You know, She talks like that."
She's got A deviated septum ?
And my dad's got a heavy Brooklyn accent.
"You know, Talks like that."
Good septum.
How you doing Over there ?
I know, i'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
I gotta get myself "Orgasmi-sized," huh ?
Okay, that's the kind of thing We don't say in the office.
That's an office thing, An office expression ?
Okay, i'm done with This conversation.
I was raised in San francisco,
But then we moved to This commune for four years
With no electricity Or running water.
My parents thought, "oh, we're Taking them out of the city,
"And we're gonna raise them In this utopia, this nature.
They won't have to be Afraid of anything."
But they didn't know
That there was Wild boar up there,
And that it was Terrifying.
There was no way To turn on a light
When you were scared.
You had to grope For matches
And find a candle Or a kerosene lamp.
Groping for matches Already doesn't sound safe.
Even without the kerosene.
You know, laura, This is a big day for me,
Because it's my Grand opening,
And i assume i'm gonna Be getting a lot of calls,
You know, for business,
Because i am Open for business.
I mean, the point is so that-- You know, i was wondering
If you could maybe Just say, "piccups,"
When you answer the phone,
And not play up the whole Doctor thing,
Unless it sounds like A really troubled person.
I remember everyone always Claiming they saw a u.F.O.
I remember one of The older kids saying,
"If you walk like an alien, They won't abduct you."
So when we would Have to be out at night,
We'd walk like aliens,
Or how we thought Aliens would walk.
How'd you do that walk ?
That makes sense.
My mom would get us Up every morning
Before school, Like, two hours
Before we had to leave, And make us meditate.
And then she'd make us do The salutations to the sun,
This yoga thing, over and over And over again,
And we had to honor The earth all the time.
Let me see if I have this right,
You'd honor the earth
And then you'd do A sun salutation ?
Yeah.
And is that a conflict Of interests ?
I don't know That much about it.
So you know, We broke up,
And i haven't Spoken to her since.
Hard to believe that Was 18 years ago, huh ?
I mean, i bet she'd Be surprised
To hear that i'm Running my own company now.
Wow, that's Really fascinating.
There's a lot you Don't know about me.
I like that about you.
Dr. Katz' office.
Is not.
( Laura ) Is.
No, is not, laura.
I know you're not-- i know I'm not paying your salary,
But the least you could Do is answer the phone.
What is it ?
It's "piccups."
No, what do you want ?
Oh, i was just Checking in.
I'm driving, And i have a phone.
Okay, well, Everything's fine.
You know the problem ?
Okay, bye-bye.
Wait, hold up, 'cause i Just have a quick--
There's a weird Smell in the car.
And i think it's me.
Hey, richard, have you Ever considered marriage,
That maybe there's a mrs. Jeni in your future ?
No, i've never even Been drunk enough
To get a tattoo.
Right.
I think you just never Know what's gonna happen.
I mean, the proof That nobody knows
What's gonna happen,
Is that women are now Smoking cigars.
Who could have Ever predicted--
Now, i don't personally have Anything against it.
I think-- whenever i'm in
An intimate situation With a lovely young lady,
I want her to remind me
As much of edward g. Robinson as possible.
I want a woman in A nightie and a pushup bra
With a big stogy going,
"All right, here's the Way it's gonna be, buster !
"I don't want any foreplay-- I'm a busy girl, see ?
"I don't wanna Get pregnant, see ?
So at the end, you get out of There-- beat it, scram !"
Huh.
I don't know-- It's just hard to decide,
'Cause when you first Fall in love,
You know, it's easy, right ?
Because when you're in love, There's nothing like it.
You take some Love and some sex,
And you mix 'em together.
It's almost like A rocket launch.
You're taking off your Shirt in that boudoir,
And you can almost Hear the nasa guy going,
"T-minus four, three, two--"
But if ten years go by, And you're not in love now,
It's not exactly a rocket.
It's more like a crappy Commuter flight
In a little Puddle-jumping plane.
You're just in the bedroom Taking off your shirt,
Hearing this guy--
"Folks, we're, uh, gonna get Underway here in the sex.
"We should be hitting The climax right on schedule,
"Just about four or five Minutes, maximum.
"Got a slight tailwind,
"Could get us in just A little bit early.
"Those of you on The right side of the bed,
"Point of interest, Closet door's open.
"You might wanna start
"Picking out your clothing For work in the morning.
"Please remain in position
Until we've come to A full and complete stop."
People say that marriage Should be forever,
But when they Made up that rule,
"Forever" wasn't That long, you know ?
I mean, when they Made up that rule,
There was just a guy going, "Yeah, i'll get married.
Hey, come on, i don't Wanna be 19 and alone."
You never know what's gonna Happen with a marriage.
Sometimes you Turn on the t.V.,
And there's willard Scott going,
"These people have been Married for 140 years."
Then you flick Another channel,
And there's someone going,
"A milwaukee woman Has crazy-glued
"Her husband's Butt cheeks together
While he was sleeping."
I mean, that really Happened.
I read about that.
I always wondered if They stayed together--
The couple, i mean.
That's, you know, It's gotta be weird.
The guy wakes up, and he Comes down, and probably,
You know, you can't really Accuse the wife right away.
You gotta go,
"Honey, did you, uh... Glue my butt cheeks together
While i was sleeping ?"
And she's there going, "All of a sudden,
"You're mr. Observant.
You didn't notice when I changed the curtains !"
What do you want ?
Just gotta tell you, gotta be Totally honest with you--
Hydroplaning-- fun !
I'll tell You something,
I would never do it with A client in the car,
'Cause when The client gets in,
That's when i turn On mr. Business.
Is there something I can do for you ?
That's when i Turn off mr. Fun.
I'm hanging up.
My mom was dragging Me to church every week,
Not a good one, you know,
Like st. John the divine or St. Mary the immaculate.
We used to go to St. Phil the reliable.
You know, he's not a miracle Worker, but he's there.
It was boring !
All priests, they have This weird--
Can you say The word "lord ?"
Try and say that.
Lord.
See, you can't be a priest.
You have to have A certain tone of voice,
A very clipped, just caught My privates in a car door,
Borderline kermit The frog--
( High-pitched voice ) "Lord !
"Oh, lord, lord, lord.
"Lord, as i must Do each week,
"Let me repeat Things over and over
"So as to bore everyone And fill up an hour.
"Whoa, you're a holy, Holy, holy guy, lord.
"You are ten pounds of holy In a five-pound bag.
Lord, you are--"
And i'd be back there, What are you, rain man, padre ?
Pick it up !
"Lord, let us read from The epistle of the apostle,
"Roman seven, leviticus three,
"Paragraph nine, section Eight, 25, with six to four.
"Chicago, seven, st. Louis, two, Bottom of the eighth,
Runners at The corners-- lord !"
Yeah, i don't know.
People always tell me
I shouldn't make fun Of church and stuff,
And i always think, Like, "well,
"God knows everything, right ?
So god knew i would Do this, and he let me."
That's the way i look at it-- You know what i mean ?
'Cause i don't Know who your lord is,
Even if you're Not catholic.
You can't have a lord going-- ( Imitating johnny carson ) "I was not aware of that.
"How could that Have happened ?
"Here i am, The supreme being,
And i don't know what The hell's going on."
You know, On any given sunday,
More people watch Auto racing
Than go to Catholic church now.
And auto racing is Pretty boring, too.
I don't know why.
I think the only difference Is that auto racing,
Unlike church, has really Exciting radio commercials.
I think if The church had them,
They'd probably do better.
"Sunday, sunday ! Attention church fans !
"At the church of the Independent suspension,
"See big daddy monsignor murphy Take on the devil himself !
"That's right, The priest from the east
"Versus the thunder From down under !
It's all happening at 12:00 Mass this sunday, sunday !"
Hey, ben.
Dad, let me explain Right off, okay ?
Airports are very confusing.
There's a lot of On-ramps and off-ramps
And different places,
And driving around here Is not what i'm used to,
And i think that was The major problem.
Look, i'm just glad That you're not hurt.
Dad, i'm putting up The out-of-business sign,
'Cause this is ridiculous.
Well, i'm not mad at you, ben, If that's any comfort to you.
I'm a little disappointed.
I think it was a great idea, But you know what ?
Maybe it's something You can come back to
At a different Time in your life,
When you figure Out this whole
Departure/arrival thing.
Well, you know, I blame myself, i do.
It's not that i Blame others.
I mean, i failed at this.
You had one Bad experience,
And is that any reason to Give up on a business ?
That is the mark-- It's just a bad omen,
And i'm not gonna Start a business
Based on bad energy.
You know, dad, maybe you Just didn't give birth
To a business-minded son.
You didn't give me The mind for business.
Just don't give up on Yourself so quickly.
That's my only thing.
I think i was born To not own a business.
Well, in that case, You're doing great.
Did you ever Just get nervous
When you're in your Line of work
That you're not Doing a good job ?
Absolutely-- every day, I feel that way.
Every day, i ask myself, "Am i a good therapist ?"
And i've learned to Stop asking out loud.
You know, and i Tried to get into shape,
But it just takes too Long to workout.
I just don't Have the time.
It's just faster to not Walk by a mirror
When you're naked,
'Cause as long as you've Got your clothes on,
You can go, "I look pretty good."
Then you see yourself naked In a full-length mirror,
And go, "whoa, If i saw this in a forest,
I'd shoot it and run Back to the car."
But to be honest With you, i just--
They get you to join These health clubs,
'Cause they always Have these signs up,
Like heather locklear, Half-naked-- "join up !"
And i never met A beautiful girl.
You know who is meet ?
Is, like, these naked guys In a locker room,
And for some reason, Guys in a gym locker room
Are, like, casual Naked guys.
"Hi, i'm bob, i'm naked.
"This is bill, He's naked.
"This is buck, buck naked.
Let's stop by the steam Room and chat nakedly."
So i go, you know, In the steam room,
And, man, i always sit Across from some guy
With his knees in Different time zones,
Chatting like nothing Unusual is going--
"Hey, it's hot in here."
And i'm like, "Hey, hey, hey !"
At one point, years ago, i was In a group therapy session,
And they were going Around the circle,
And everyone had To tell their problems,
And they were telling these Terrible, terrible problems
Of being abused and Being this and that.
And when they got to me, And my problems was,
"Well, i'm really successful, And i'm really rich,
"And i'm really famous,
And i just-- i don't know How to deal with it."
And everyone hated me,
And i basically got Kicked out of the group.
Huh.
You're in a tough spot-- Who do you trust ?
Everybody wants Something from you.
Do you trust me ?
Not really, no.
See, i think That has to be
A starting point in Our relationship,
And there's a very Simple exercise you can do.
I want you to stand Up in front of me
With your arms Out at your sides,
And i want you to Fall backwards--
What ?
Into my arms-- in the process, I will earn your trust.
Oh, the trust fall ?
I actually learned This game in college.
I was in what they used to Call encounter groups,
And there was a woman in The group who never spoke,
And the instructor finally Asked her why,
And she points To me, and she says,
"I don't trust him."
He says, "look, there's An exercise you can do.
"I want you to stand In front of jonathan,
"And i want you to fall Backwards into his arms.
In the process, he will Earn your trust."
Did you catch her ?
Well, actually, About six years later,
She wheels up to me At a convention--
( Music )
Whoops, you know What the music means.
Our time is up.
Okay, bye.